The Price of Taboo

When we were kids, we used to play a game called “whack-a-mole”. I’m assuming many people are familiar with it: A table full of holes, and a little (robot) critter that would pop out of one of them at random, while we tried to hit it with a hammer.

Rather sadistic, if you think about it…

But the point was to try to guess which hole that “mole” would pop out of. If we were really going to take the game seriously, we might have found a way to stuff up all the holes except one, and then just wait over that one hole, with our hammers ready.

In a funny kind of way, the human mind can be extremely similar to this: We might think we’ve taken care of a particular problem, when lo and behold, it pops up somewhere else. We could “stuff up” a bunch of different areas in our lives, only to have our issues manifest themselves in some way that we haven’t thought of. 

The worst part of all this is that, sadly, there is one place we may never look. Like that “spot under the carpet” or “behind the refrigerator”, all the dust will eventually accumulate in that one safe haven for dirty things - until it truly becomes a terrible place, where even the professional cleaner does not want to go. Our minds work in a similar way, and this is what happens when we have a taboo: It becomes the dark closet where all of our soul’s secrets go to hide. And one day we may find ourselves face to face with it, completely aghast.

While we do a spectacular job of making ourselves successful and presentable in every way that we can, one aspect of modern society remains spectacularly overlooked - even though we go very far to convince ourselves, and everyone around us, that we are masters of this territory, as we are masters of everything else. But unfortunately, there is no fooling or messing with the truth. We have become so successful at so many things in our society - business, career, leadership, social status, how we look, how we speak and how we conduct ourselves, that we have everyone, including ourselves, fooled. But while all this is going on, one last dimension of our multifaceted lives remains largely unconquered - at least in any meaningful way - and inevitably, tragically, all (yes, all) of our shortcomings from every other part of our lives end up jumping down that one last tunnel, because that’s the safest place where they can run to hide, and though we hate to admit it… we are novices, at best, in that one elusive realm of our lives.

I’m talking about sex.

I dare to guess that the number of people in this world who are truly happy with their sex lives is similar to the number of people who are truly (I mean TRULY) happy with their marriages, or long-term relationships: That is, at least according to endless statistics, very few people indeed. 

And I’m not talking about the ability to do triple summersaults in bed, or surprise the “enemy” with something new every single time. I’m talking about just being happy. Really and truly happy.

The fascinating thing about sex, as opposed to spiritual awakening of the kind that we find through self-exploration (for example, through Buddhist meditation or other practices), is that sex is done fundamentally together. This means that it is automatically a lot harder to fake it, because you have someone there to reflect everything back at you, all the time. And yes, we can fool our partners and ourselves much in the same way that we can convince ourselves that we are “really meditating”; but that’s exactly my point: I want to encourage you to approach sex in the same way that we should approach spiritual awakening. In this sacred, two-person space, strive to find happiness without make-believe, just as much as you should be brutally honest with yourself if you want to awaken on the meditation cushion. Sex is an incredible way to explore life, because it reflects everything in life like a perfect mirror. I say confidently, and I hope you agree, that we bring a lot of baggage into the bedroom. And it makes a huge difference. But we have such a wonderful opportunity as individuals, as lovers, and even as a generation: We have, in a lot of ways, chased all our ghosts into this one closet. Now, if we really want to fix things up, we had better open up that closet door, and start looking inside.

Can you imagine how different the world would be if everyone in it was sexually happy? Does that sound silly, or provocative? If it does, consider that that may very well be only because sex is such taboo in our culture. But try to think about it again, in all seriousness: Can you imagine how different the world would be?

I see so many of us trying so hard to save the world, to change it, to revolutionize it… going to such great lengths, when we could be revolutionizing it more than in any other way without ever leaving our bedrooms. 

Talk about sex. Talk about what feels good, and what feels bad. Reflect for each other. Approach it as a team that is exploring the same wilderness, together. Listen. Learn from the experience, and the feelings, of others. If you are alone, then finding the right person is part of your journey. Appreciate this incredible gift we have been given, this win-win situation where the happier one of us is, the happier we both are. This is what love and life are really about. Try things. Experiment. Again, it’s not about pyrotechnics; it’s about joy. True, real, simple joy. Don’t settle for less than. Muster up your courage, and find your sexual happiness. You really are making the world a better place.

Photo by Tanmoy Pal, Pexels.com